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Thursday, September 13, 2007
down side... :: 11:04 AM Sometimes I really don’t know what I want in life. I’m grateful to have Bi by my side, my family who never fails to understand & care abt me,his family who r always so supportive to me & friends who never fail to cheer me up.(thou I think I’ve neglect them a little.)At times, I felt so upset I didn’t find time for my friends. I did not even turn up to support my closest & longest fren in Star Search. I would even feel so upset that I always blame myself & often feel so useless n helpless. People may think I’m crazy, to them, it may be nothing . But to me, it affects me a lot. I always feel that I’m having depression. But I just dun wan to face the fact. At times, I could feel the emptiness inside me. Perhaps in my life,I’ve never really achieve anything, neither did I success in anything. I just don’t understand why I have to face ‘’failure’’ so many times in my life that leads me give up very easily. I always show my strongest side to everyone but this time I feel so tired, really tired…I can hardly take anymore stress. Anymore failures is going to make me feel very very down. I'm eating lesser and lesser. From a plate of rice to a half.I couldn't even bring myself to swallow one bite. I'm turning anorexic. And not like I can help it. Even Bi felt so helpless. Sometimes I wish I have the power to turn back time. There are many things that I wish I did not do yet I don't know if I hadn't done what I did, will I be a happier person? I always feel if I have the chance to live my life again, I will be a much better and happier person.I often feel like dying & I tot it could help me very much. But after much scoldings from Bi,I know it couldn’t help at all & I’m too selfish to have had this mentality. I missed my friends. Esp the one whom I used to be very very close with.The feeling of betrayal and disappointment is so firmly rooted that a strong wave of unhappiness sweep through me whenever I recall that incident. I could recall the day I cried so hard that I knew I’ve lost a friend…OPY.Think she wont ever know how hurt I was e day she did those things to me.Anyway,I can only say we r not fated to be friends.=( Well, I’m glad Iren have got into Semi-Finals. Due to my heavy work load,I did not turn up at mediacorp to support her. But I did rush home to watch. I believe she can make it to the Finals.Jia you!~ |
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